Today I am 32. Wait, what? When did that happen? I was reminiscing with Bo yesterday about what birthdays looked like in my 20’s and how big of a deal our parties used to be for my friends and I. Renting out a bar, a new outfit for sure and then scanning that evite constantly to see who was coming. My how things have changed. I’m snuggled on the couch early this morning with my new little bundle and the dog is fast asleep next to me. All I want today for myself is to find a new sense of peace and calm in my mind. I’m determined to resurrect that strength I know I have and others keep telling me exists.
Yesterday after Landon’s tests, I just lost it. I sobbed several different times. One of those emptying cries that left makeup all over my poor husband’s shirt as he just held me and said “let it out." I gave myself yesterday afternoon for that. I hadn’t really let anything really go since her birth. There have been tears, of course- baby blues are real after all. But I had not released all the things I’ve felt as I always catch myself and stuff everything back in. I felt guilty crying for her- like maybe she’d notice that I was crying for her and get upset herself. Sounds insane I know- she’s three weeks old. So that was my day and I’m glad I let it happen. We need to all let go sometimes. Just to feel whatever it is that’s going on with us. We can then get up "off the mat” and start to feel better, start to feel stronger and face tomorrow.
So here’s the story… Landon has both conductive and sensory neural hearing loss. It’s called “mixed hearing loss” and is common with kids with Treacher Collins. Part of what made me so sad is that the hearing/speech treatments or issues she’ll face is only one part of this journey. We still have to analyze the bones in her face. She’ll certainly have a hearing aid for some time and surgery to make her new little ears happens when she’s at least 6. Any implant comes when she’s about 9. For the hearing aid they keep saying “you can get different style headbands”- well we love accessories don’t we? I was never into those girlie headbands for Landon- love them for others but they weren’t my thing. I remember when I first heard of this Bo made a cute little joke with me about attaching humongous bows or flowers to the front just like I’d wanted to avoid. God, I love that man- he keeps me sane and smiling. And honestly to me … she is perfect and beautiful in every way.
The audiologist will send me a full report today so I don’t want to go into details simply b/c I don’t have them yet. Thank you for all of you who sent me emails and notes and texts. Your prayers for strength were so comforting and I felt them while we were at the doctor. Little ladybug slept peacefully and we got exactly the reading we needed for the test.
So today, on my birthday, I plan to celebrate being her and Kingsley’s mom and Bo’s wife. I love them so much my heart feels like it could burst. My sweet husband gave me something sparkly to stare at all day too. He is more than I could ever ask for in a partner in this journey. I adore him.
Check back for more updates as I get them. Until then, enjoy your weekends!