It should be a good day

I mean she got her hearing aid today. I sang to her and played with her all the while knowing she could hear me. So why am I sitting here crying? Why am I sad?  I guess the start of the day has a little to do with it.  The ophthalmologist appointment felt like a formality honestly. I wasn’t expecting another diagnosis. I wasn’t expecting this man who I waited to see for an hour and a half to turn around in his swivel chair and say to his resident “she has strabismus."  Um whaaaat? I had to ask him to spell it twice. Strabismus is essentially lazy eye. It might correct itself, it might not. It might mean yet another surgery. I notice it very rarely, but I have noticed it. I thought it was just another thing that all infants do considering they don’t focus on anything for their first month or so.  These days of specialists that are all focused on her diagnoses get to me by day’s end.  It’s just frustrating that her life will be filled with doctors and facing diagnoses. So frustrating.  When my mother and Bo ask me why I’m sad, I honestly can’t give a clear answer.  My only answer I can drum up is "because I’m her mother.” I feel these things more deeply. I cry b/c she doesn’t know enough to cry. Because she’s poked and prodded. I cry because I’m her mother.

I’m also crying b/c of the whole nanny vs daycare thought process and money that goes into both. I cry b/c I won’t be taking her to Clarke come the New Year if we can even figure out how to afford a nanny to get her to Clarke. It’s not the  normal tears of a going-back-to-work mother. I’m a mom of a child with special needs. I know those needs better than anyone on this planet now. I want to take care of her myself. 

Anyway, enough of my pity party. She looks so precious in her softband- it’s light pink and looks so cute on her. I’ll post pictures soon.  Good things of today- the buses came around regularly, we always got a seat, she drank her bottle quietly and entirely in the waiting room, we were on time everywhere (shocking) and home before the snow got really bad.  All in all, no true reason to cry.

In fact, I think it’s time to pull myself together now.

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