Back to Work

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” Jane Sellman

“Making the decision to have a child-It’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I felt fine Sunday night. Stable. And then morning came. The dreaded first day back to work morning. “It’ll be fine.” I told myself. “Daddy will be home with her and it’s great they’ll have some days together."  Want to know what I thought today?  But that’s the time I want with her. I want every day with her. I want to soothe her when she’s upset, read to her and sing her Clarke school songs.  This feels like the most unfair thing in the world has just happened to me. Like part of my body was left at home and I’m out there in the world trying to remember how to be a part of this world without that limb.  I miss her. Constantly.

My friends say this will get easier. After a week or two, and many tissues, I will start to be able to do this with a little finesse.  But in this moment…I feel like a total mess. Tonight I tried keeping her up way later than her bedtime just to look at her face. She started to melt down from tiredness and I finally caved feeling cruel. I miss her so much and it’s been a whopping 2 days.

I know it’s hard on every mother. I am not trying to say my case is worse b/c of her special needs but my world feels like it’s on a different axis now. I want to focus on her constantly. Make sure she’s hearing all that she can, playing, listening to songs and stories. I just want to be there for it ALL. Anxiety keeps me awake at night thinking about a nanny. Thinking about my not being there.

So say a prayer for me that I can survive this. I honestly have no idea how.  I will do anything possible in my life for Landon, even if that means working full-time. But God is this painful. All I want is to hold her all day. Kiss those cheeks.

You moms who get to stay home have it all in my opinion.

Little lady- I know you won’t remember much of this part of your life but know that leaving you every morning is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. But coming home makes this life SO much sweeter. I love you.



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