It’s almost here. Landon’s first surgery. True…she needs this. True… it’s the “easiest surgery” in her lineup of surgeries. True… my anxiety has a firm grip on my entire body. It’s hard to swallow, it’s hard to maintain an even keel. I’m not emotional, just riddled with butterflies and perfecting the teeth grind.
I was telling my friend at work today that I feel like I’m having an out of body experience this week. I’m emotionally okay. I haven’t cried. But the anxiety…. is just eating me up. I keep wondering if the two will catch up with one another.
The interesting thing that keeps popping into my thoughts is that I have been tested before in life. I have had to find resolve and strength and make the conscious decision some days to “show up.” I’ve struggled so that I can be this mother. I can survive the following minutes after they take her from me. I can be strong for her. I can comfort her when waking up from the anesthesia. I will find a way to get through the 3-4 hours. I don’t’ know how. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. But I plan to just keep saying “I can do this”. Probably out-loud so to freak out anyone else in the waiting room.
Tonight over pureed green beans and rice, bug and I talked about what her Thursday would entail. She babbled “Ahhhh, eehhhhh” and opened her mouth like a little bird for more dinner. She smiled and I got one good giggle out of her. I told her about God and how she’s a part of a much bigger story. I told her that he was always watching over her. That we had people all over the country praying for her. I told her how loved she is. That she’s here on this Earth for a reason and is my daughter on purpose. I told her that I wasn’t whole until I had her. Okay so I’m aware she is 7 months old, but I felt I needed to make sure to say it out-loud. She responded with her “ahhhh, eehhh”.
We find out the time of the surgery tomorrow. Don’t ya love the notice? 24 hours to adjust for something like this. For mothers who need to plan just to survive a day, this is torture. Hopefully it’s super early. Not being able to feed her 9 hours prior feels like a rough journey in and of itself.
So I ask you my friends… when you wake up on Thursday morning, whatever time, say a prayer for us. For strength and love and peace. For small reminders that we are strong enough. For bug.