Over a week ago I put Landon in the middle of the queen bed in her room for a second. One second. Our nanny had mistakenly put a travel crib sheet on the changing pad and God forbid something be wrong in her room. I turned to change it and in that one moment thought “that isn’t safe” and as I whipped back around, there she went. Splat onto the rug… head first. Bahas went flying and with their screeching came Landon’s screaming.
I could not breathe. I snatched her up and she wailed. She turned deep red and wailed. Thank God for the thick carpet from Overstock. Thank God for a thick rug pad. Thank God. It took me 30 minutes to realize it but… she was fine. She started smiling again. I’ve never worked so hard in my life to make her smile, but she did. Then she laughed. Then she started acting like nothing happened. But I could hear the thud in my head. Over and over again I would picture her lying there and shudder. This was a new kind of shame spiral- way worse than the ones in my 20’s that happened on Sundays.
Ugh. That is the worst I’ve ever felt in my 32 years.
Her little red bump on her head subsided by the next morning. I checked on her 5 times that night as she slept. I just sat there in the dark and listened to her
snore breathe. I didn’t take a real breath until the next afternoon. Sound dramatic? Yeah, probably. It’s strange…. when they get hurt… it’s a very clear moment when you think of how big of a job mothering really is. It’s paramount to everything else.
I’m telling y’all about my shame on the blog so we can commiserate. It happens to us all. We’re not bad moms. We just have too much going on. All the time. There’s too much on my mind literally every second of the day. Money. Relationships. Therapies. Diaper Sizes. Shoes. And in those moments….I’m really not focused on her. It’s not possible to be focused all the time. Things will happen. This will hopefully not happen again, but other things will.
What I’ll do though now, is try to be present more with her. I actually do not get a lot of time with her. I get three days a week, nights but lately she’s so cranky more of those nights it’s tough. But I’ll work harder at being there and focusing on what she’s doing. She’s growing up too darn fast not to try.
Here she is an hour after her swan dive…
One happy little bug. Oh well… my first and not my last shameful mothering moment. I hope y’all have great weeks!