On the future

We met a 9 year old this weekend. One of those inquisitive, smarty pants, outgoing, oddly mature 9 year olds who thinks she truly understands the world around her. And then she saw Landon.

“What are those things on her head”

“Why doesn’t she have ears?”

“Will her ear canals grow?”

“I don’t get it. That’s weird. That doesn’t make sense.”

“She looks funny. But why? I don’t understand.”

“Tell me again…. why?”

I explained using all of my tools. All of my catch phrases. She was born this way. God chose for her ears to look like this. Just like someone wears glasses, she wears hearing aids. I went on and on.  But she wasn’t satisfied.  Her face was so scrunched when assessing Landon.  This 9 year old, in that moment, painted a tough picture for me for Landon’s future.  Will all kids be like this? Will they be scared of her? Will they include her? Will they be mean to her?

And off I spun. Deep into the recesses of my mind. There I went. With all my scared thoughts. All of my future heart breaks when she’s hurt. When kids don’t include her b/c she’s different.

What I can’t figure out is how to plan for her future without getting caught in this web? How do I make choices for her school-wise when all I do is second guess myself based on what might happen?

So I sat in this hole with all of my questions yesterday. I read story after story last night about bullying. About kids with TCS being so heartbroken at school that their parents home school them now. I read about the book Wonder and how much it’s helped some TCS kids build confidence. But then the world still hurts them. Their parents posts on facebook broke my heart. Am I strong enough to endure the same things they have?

We’re in a safe bubble right now. The baby bubble. All of her playmates smile at her or “play” with her as if nothing is different about her. All of their mothers are my support system or friendly new faces who accept us b/c they already know our story.  I’m not ready yet for that next step into the unknown.  I know it’s coming. I know that we’ll meet new faces and new communities that will hopefully love and support bug. I’ll find a way to overcome my fear and take my lead from my independent little girl. Now that we’re venturing into toddler-dom, she’ll soon become more aware of herself and others. She’s growing up.

And I have to be honest here, b/c I’m not always elsewhere, the bullying factor scares the shit out of me. It wakes me up at night. It tortures me. If anyone has good books to help build up your kid with confidence, tell me. Message me. Help me. Because for some reason, I’m obsessed with what will or might happen to her. What she might endure.

For now, I’ll turn to my new combination of yoga and wine. I’ll work this out in my head by pushing it aside most likely. Later.  Not yet. I’ll deal with this later.

It’s time to begin the reflection process. Bug turns 1….NEXT Friday. ONE. Holy shit. Where did the time go?  Yes… it’s time for reflection. What we’ve done in ONE whole year.

Okay… enough rambling for a Tuesday.



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