I’ve been wrestling with something. If I’m up at night, thinking or worrying about Landon… something new has creeped into my mind. When we meet people at church, the gym or I talk to my best friends on email… it comes up.
Baby number TWO. I’m torn in so many directions it’s hard to know where to begin.
The struggle usually looks like this: I’ve always wanted two children. Now that I have a handle on bug, it’s probably time to have the second since I’m not getting any younger. What if.. though. What if our second child has TCS. What if it’s much more severe. What if we start dealing with two children in speech therapy, two children facing surgeries. What if. What if I have to go through another hospital experience like I’ve already had. Will I lose all sense of myself and my relationship? I just got some independence back… will I lose it completely? I still feel like bug needs me to focus on her. Will she still thrive if I’m splitting time between her and an infant? Can I do 3 am feedings again? Oh man… sleep….
Bo doesn’t understand why I torture myself with questions of the unknown. What I cannot explain clearly enough is that it’s not a choice. I don’t want restless nights struggling with this issue. It just is what it is. It’s how my brain and heart work. I wrestle with something until I find answers or find peace. Or both.
My friends that all have one child are already planning their second. Or they just had their second. Or they are onto their third. They don’t have these battles. They don’t know what it’s like to have this internal turmoil- to be worried and then feel guilty for the worry. So I feel isolated in this struggle as a mother… adding to pains of loneliness in this new life we’re living in SC.
On one hand, if baby number 2 is as funny, charming, happy and sweet as Landon… I want he or she tomorrow. I want to fill our new house with our two children giggling. Of them sharing secrets and hugs and curling up under a blanket to watch movies together. Why wouldn’t I want more of this motherhood given how amazing bug is. I’ve always wanted and planned for two. I wanted a sibling close to my age all my life. I have also wanted Landon to be a big sister as I’ve watched her grow up. She would make such an amazing big sister. I feel so strongly that she needs a sibling also. One to help protect her heart. One to turn to if there is bullying. One to be there for her when she doesn’t want to tell her parents something and vice versa.
Then….I remember my first week in the hospital. The heartache. The gut wrenching crying. Cursing God. I remember existing in pieces. Terrified. The unknown laid out before us. I know I can do hard things. Overcome huge obstacles. I do not believe in all sincerity I could do this kind of unknown again. That.. right there… makes me feel so incredibly terrible about myself. It’s going so well with bug… with her therapy and planning her future. Why couldn’t I then?
Some close to me turn this into a conversation on faith. “If it’s God’s plan…” and so on. What I’ve learned though is that’s not exactly helpful in settling my mind and heart. I have faith, sure. I do believe that I’m bug’s mom truly for a reason. But my faith doesn’t settle my heart always. I’m quiet and private in my faith and still unsure what I totally believe. But that’s for another blog post.
I’m not entirely clear what I want out of this post. What the message is. I think it’s simply to let y’all know what’s going on with me lately. What’s on my mind and what’s been hard for me to say out loud. Writing is always easier.
For now though… it’s coming on Christmas and bug is busy carrying ornaments back and forth, from room to room. She’s climbing stairs at any given moment, rearranging the dog leashes, terrorizing our new rescue dog by chasing her with her harness, taking everything in a cabinet out and then putting it all back in on different shelves. She’s busy growing up. I’ll try to give myself a break from this struggle at least until the new year. Enjoy the season. Enjoy my girl.
And for y’all… enjoy a picture of bug from last year and then one after our Xmas card shoot (can’t spoil that photo reveal…). My how time does fly…