Blogging is a complicated business sometimes. What if I want to be a private person yet still reside partially in this public space? There is a portion of my heart, my pain, my experiences that I do not share here. I don’t put out into the ethos for my friends and readers to know. That piece of myself is struggling right now. I’ve had to remind myself several times in the last week to breathe. Breathe in deeply and let it out. Just like my mother taught me long ago. Breathe in the good, breathe in the happy, let go of the pain.
I’ve spoken before of struggles I’ve had to overcome & obstacles here and there. I derive so much from sharing my life on this blog. New friends, reconnecting with old friends, learning of other women’s struggles & all they do for their families. Learning that I help some of you. It’s a gift to hear that.
Yet still, I’m not strong enough or brave enough to share all of me on here. So I dance around it. Sorry…. but it’s all I can do for now. Know, however, the struggle continues. My fight to choose happy, as some of you see from my Instagram page continues as well.
Friends of mine who know darkness & know what I mean when I say darkness, whether it’s children that have suffered or are suffering or marriages, have asked me before “why do you think God chose us for these battles?” Or “why me?" I have a variety of answers depending on who is asking. We’re chosen because of the strength of character we possess. The grit, the ability to rise above. Because of the families we have to help shoulder the struggles. Because we… are… capable.
In this moment I know and see clearly that God gives us opportunities. Gifts and faults alike are also given and it is our choices that make up our lives. I’ve chosen this man, I’ve chosen to say my vows. I’ve chosen to raise my daughter a certain way with our hearts open and our heads held high. My choices. These choices are complicated of course by what other people we love choose. They are tested by strangers comments and stares. Again, it’s what we do next that defines our character.
As I mentioned, I’ve written about my decision to choose happy on here and on Instagram. It’s a grammatically incorrect phrase…of this I am aware. That’s on purpose, friends. Anyway… this decision, this admission and this statement came about during this time of particular struggle. These things happening around me and in my heart led me there. I have to consciously choose happiness these days. I have to push through things and cast off frustrations and make this choice. This is not a 100 happy days campaign. This is not something forced either. It’s my decision to see my glass as half full…. even now. Even when I’m struggling. It’s the hardest thing ever. EVER. I ran this morning and when a sad tale was sung by Blind Pilot, that’s all it took to unlock the tears. I stopped. I shook my head. I said outloud… choose happy. And I kept running.
The truly gut wrenching hands that some of us are dealt are tests. From God, from fate, from whomever or whatever you believe in. It’s what we choose to do with these tests that define us. These battles are also meant to be shared. If you’re fighting one now and want to share, please don’t hesitate to email me. Reach out to someone and let them know you need a friend. We women are able to connect and find beauty in dark times together if we share in it.
Without detail or context, I ask for your continued prayers for my strength. I ask those friends that I know and have yet to meet. I love all of you.