First Thanksgiving

The first Thanksgiving. The first holiday. No, I’m not writing a post about the first meal between Pilgrims and Native Americans. I am referencing that this will be my first Thanksgiving holiday without Landon. 

I fly out today, back to my VA roots and my wonderful mother, back to memories from childhood and also my marriage. I have tried incredibly hard not to let my emotions win. I’ve been busy and put it immediately out of my head this past week. I know that when I let the tears flow, I really don’t know when they or if they’d actually stop. 

But here it is. i’m packed and leaving soon. I cleaned her room this morning for no other reason as I wanted to be close to her. I woke up last night thinking she was here. The empty room that greeted me at 4am hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Maybe I feel this one more because it is the first holiday. Maybe I feel this more, because I simply feel more. But I doubt it. 

I’m not writing this for pity. I’m not looking for messages of “hang in there”. I’m putting this out there because I know very well how many others of you are out there feeling the same way. You too are feeling quite lonely. Lonely in your emotions. Lonely because you miss your littles. Lonely as you recognize that although you wouldn’t change your situation, it’s still crazy painful to own all that’s happened… all that’s fallen apart. And frankly painful because you can’t help but pick apart what might or might not have been going on unbeknownst to you during the holiday memories you still hold dear. 

This holiday, I have made some promises to myself. And I’m hoping some of these if not all help you too, dear friends. I plan to be very patient with myself. Allow the emotions to come, to feel however I need to feel, but not be overcome. I promise to meditate daily. I promise to do yoga. I promise to focus on the gratitude I have to those I love so deeply. I promise to recognize that I’m gifted with 24 incredible hours every day to live how I choose. I promise to be thankful for what I’ve been given- loving family and friends, and my strength and compassion to love and support them. 

Happy First Thanksgiving. 



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